This has taken me a very long time to sit down and write about this. I tried about a month ago but my emotions would get the best of me. This is part of the reason why I haven't blogged in so long, this is such a hard post.
Tuesday, June 16th, my parents came over to drop something off and to talk to me. We went into my dining room and I thought it would have to do with something about my parents health. They had just returned from their mission and were doing all their doctor checkups. This is not was it was.
My sister, Monica, had passed away in the night. Complete shock. I didn't believe my dad at first and then thought my sister's husband was wrong and it wasn't true. And then I broke down and sobbed, my heart was broken. Just two days prior, while sitting in church, I had the thought to call her but I didn't, I got distracted. It was her wedding anniversary too and I missed it!
Todd was in China at the time and I had to tell him over Facetime- whenever anyone was told, it was the same - "No!" complete shock. We were able to arrange travel for me to go to Maryland for the funeral. The week was crazy. I found myself breaking down and just crying and then going into business mode.
Family picture circa 2005/6
Throughout this week there were many tender mercies from friends. I have received many calls from the ward asking how they can
help. Several people just showed
up on my doorstep to give me a hug or some flowers. Just to know that there were people there and wanting to
help was so nice. One friend even stopped by one evening to massage my feet. She happened to come at just the right time. I was sitting alone trying to write my
sister’s obituary and having her company was really comforting. Another friend took my kids for a few hours
Friday which was again so nice. I
was able to take a nap and get rid of a nasty headache from my lack of sleep
this week. I know our family has felt
comforted by all those that have offered prayers on our behalf.
Mom and Dad flew out Friday morning and spent their two days
before the rest of us arrived in getting things arranged at the mortuary,
cleaning her apartment and getting through pictures.
Laurie had asked if I’d play a musical number with her. We practiced Saturday and I had the
hardest time getting through each time without crying. Laurie said she’d not be able to make
it through if I did that. The
words just get me every time to “Walk Tall” (You’re a Daughter of God)”
Laurie and I flew out together, it has been so nice to have
her close at this time. I think
both of us have given each other comfort and someone to talk to. I have often thought on how critical I
was on Monica and how I could have been more loving and accepting to her. She had asked me to call her last week
if I got a chance but by the time I got the kids to bed it was too late and
then I forgot. When I watched
Matt’s slide show, I’d just cry because all I can see in the pictures from her
was love. She loved her nieces and
nephews. She was always willing to
help and be there. I think of when
she’d take my girls on dates to movies and then to her apartment. It just made Monica’s day and the girls
would have so much fun with her.
They even formed a club – the Bear Friends Club. I’m sad that I didn’t encourage more
contact with them and help form those bonds more. Monica also supported the girls in their soccer games, swim
meets, whatever. She’d want their
schedule and would come and cheer them on. Now I look back and wish I did more for her and wasn’t so
quick to judge and been more accepting like the kids and just love. That’s all she wanted and really it’s
all we all want is to be loved and love in return. Through all this I’ve thought what Mother Teresa has said “Do
small things with great love.” And
that is Monica, she did small things for us but it was always with love and
with her whole heart. Now all
those quirks and things that bugged me are the endearing things that I’d like
to see again that made her who she was.
Arriving Sunday, Laurie and I meet up with Mom and Dad at
the airport. We were able to visit
before the shuttle came and picked us up.
I think mom and dad could feel our support for them and were
appreciative that we were there.
We checked into the hotel and then Mom, Laurie and I headed over to
dress Monica’s body for the funeral.
We had a small window and I’m so glad that we were there to be there for
my mom. That was the saddest thing
I have seen. We said a prayer to help
us and start the process. It was the first time my mom saw her and she just
broke down in sobs. She stroked her
hair and said “My baby, my beautiful girl.” She was so overcome with grief that she had to step out of
the room for a bit. Laurie and I
cried also for the sorrow – the heartbreak we felt for my mom and the sadness
that Monica was young. Laurie was
so strong and was able to get Monica’s garments on. When I came back after helping mom, Monica looked better
with her garments on and it was easier to get her dressed. It was so nice to see her in her temple
clothes. She looked beautiful and
peaceful. We asked that her nails
be painted and we all picked the same color for her. By the time we had finished dressing her she looked good. Mom placed her veil on and just cried
at her daughter being gone. The
spirit was there and I know Monica was there with us. At a moment while we were dressing her, the lady helping us
had to dab tears away from Monica’s eyes.
Her body was crying. I feel
that she was crying because she was no longer with us and couldn’t be there
together with us.
We have talked about what it might have been like for Monica
as she was asleep and passed from this world into the next. Who came to get her? Was it grandma and Grandpa Porter? Was it surreal for her? Was she relieved to be out of her body
that gave her pain and trials? Was
she just happy to go? There were many times during this weekend that I felt her
there with us saying that she home and at peace. I find comfort that she wasn’t alone and that she was happy
with her family. It is also comforting
to know that we will see her again and that she and Dan were sealed together
and she has those covenants and blessings on her.
The day of the funeral, we arrived at the church for the
family viewing. Monica looked good.
The girl who did her makeup did a great job. Mom and Laurie found a handkerchief with an M on it. Mom washed and ironed it. That morning she placed it in Monica’s
hand. Dan and the children had
picked beautiful flowers to go inside the casket and on top. They all wrote
sweet cards to her and said how much they missed and loved her. We all love and miss her. There was a prayer said after the
viewing and the bishop asked if anyone wanted to say anything. Sweet Rory raised her hand and just
simply said, “I loved her.”
Before they closed the casket, Mom pulled the veil over her
face and kissed her forehead. Such
a tender and sweet gesture. Dan
gave her one last kiss goodbye.
Once the casket was closed, it was so final.
Kerri Costley and Katie Baird and Kerry Strom came. Kerri mentioned how even though it’s sad
it’s also a happy time because of the hope of the atonement of Jesus
Christ. What comforting words
because it’s so true.
The service was beautiful and the spirit was so strong. Monica was there. The opening Hymn – Oh My Father – I
couldn’t get through. The last
verse did it for me: “When I leave this frail existence, when I lay this mortal
by, Father, Mother may I meet you in your royal courts on high? Then, at length, when I’ve completed
all you sent me forth to do, with your mutual approbation let me come and dwell
with you.” I just knew that she was happy and in a good place. Dan and the kids sang “Teach Me to Walk
in the Light” and they sounded like angels. It was so pretty.
Matt spoke on the Plan of Salvation and talked about how it’s also known
as the Plan of Happiness and Monica always had a smile on her face. He talked about how she has gone home
and that was very comforting to me.
I felt that she told me that she was home.
Laurie and I were to do our musical number. We had practiced that morning and I
didn’t make it through without tears streaming down my face. This time though I thought about how
Monica is home and there is hope.
It made me happy and I was able to get through the song.
Dan ended with a beautiful eulogy and talked about how they
met at a single’s dance and then they ended up going to a movie together. That lead them to being movie buddies
and as Monica told me two years ago, just a summer fling. He talked about how they would come to
my kids soccer games and it was easy to talk and be around her. They had fun together. When they married she easily accepted
and loved his kids, Mell’s daughter Lulu and Matt’s two girls. It was quite the family mix and they
made it work. Monica loved the
children and loved to do family things together. There were times I laughed at his comments and knew Monica
was laughing too. Dan also talked
about how she held onto things because they were her memories and how she liked
to talk about them. It made her
happy so he was happy. Dan was so
good and loving for her. Monica
was also a big history buff and kept all this knowledge in her head. Dan mentioned that when she read
something that was new to her she’d say “huh, I didn’t know that.” She read a lot and had a good
memory. We will all miss her smile
and love of life and love for others.
We sang “How Great thou Art” as a closing hymn and Mom
really had to wipe the tears away.
It is my favorite hymn and brought so much hope and joy to me. Dad ended with the closing prayer and
talked about how we will all be together again one day.
That night we ate dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack and had IBC and
crab in Monica’s honor. Matt’s
boys went swimming and the adults just chatted. We all kept thinking of moments where we’d want Monica to
join us or how much she would have liked what we were doing. It’s a new normal that will take some
getting used to.
The last time I saw my sister was at her sealing to Dan in the DC temple. It was a great day to all be together.
The burial was held on July 7th in Texas. We had found a beautiful cemetery that is peaceful and nearby. It was a nice and simple ceremony. The nieces and nephews all sang "I Am a Child of God." All of us were able to say a little something and give our final goodbyes. We were touched by the friends from long ago who came out to pay their respects.
My parent's bishop spoke and he mentioned another man's passing who was an archeologist. While this man was in Peru he had written a note home that was later found after his passing. The letter said, "It's beautiful here, wish you could see it. I miss you but will see you soon." How I'm sure Monica was saying the same thing to us from where she is.
Back in Maryland, we came across a journal entry of Monica's that said she'd like to be buried in Pine Valley, Utah. Laurie was in Utah before the burial and brought with her some pine cones and dirt to bury some of Pine Valley with Monica. It was the perfect touch.
We love and miss you Monica!
"What is this thing that men call death,
This quiet passing in the night?
'Tis not the end, but genesis
Of Better worlds and greater light.
O God, touch Thou my aching heart,
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.
There is no death, but only change
With recompense for victory won;
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.
-President Gordon B. Hinckley
